Thursday, July 25, 2013

Con Air II: Flakes On A Plane!

According to FAA records, 2012 was a low ebb for unruly passengers getting tossed off planes, with a mere 129 rude jackasses being forced to disembark. (I've been on single flights with that many people who had no business on a plane, but that's neither here nor there...)


Okay, I realize that the hickory shampoo went out of fashion with Rodney King, but couldn't they at least have tased the bejeezus out of that woman? Here's the one chance in your career to get a standing flippin' ovation for a bit of police brutality, officers, and you passed on it. There's not a person in that airliner cabin who would have felt anything but gratitude if you'd drive-stunned that woman until she soiled her bloomers.

Anyhow, congrats to the airlines on the low numbers for 2012, and I would encourage them to consider my proposal for lowering numbers even further: On January 1st of every year, sentence everyone who's been kicked off a plane in the previous year to have to fly on a redeye to London and back with their fellow miscreants. Since regulations require a cabin crew, they should be selected based on votes by airline passengers.

The whole program could be funded by selling the video rights to recordings from armored cameras in the cabin of the annual Bedlam Air flight.

Whaddaya think?

26 comments:

Carteach said...

I think it should be monthly, not yearly, and the flight should be to New Zealand.

One way.

Reno SepĆ¼lveda said...

I came for the snark but I stay for the vernacular. "Hickory Shampoo"!!

BGMiller said...

No flight crew needed. I think this is a drone program we could all support. Just think of the opportunities for testing new technologies!

BGM

Unknown said...

It would be nice if Richard Branson read this blog.

Anonymous said...

It should be to the middle of the Marianas Trench. No return ticket needed.

Gerry

Ferret said...

I wonder if the reduction in twit-removals is proportional to the drop in passengers willing to subject themselves to the TSA's Gate Rape squads.

sobriant74 said...

Drone flight around the globe, use a mid-air refueling plane. I'd buy that pay-per-view. Only one vegetarian/kosher/low salt/allergy special needs meal. let them fight it out for who gets it.

Divemedic said...

My issue with this video is that you can hear the waitress (ABN) saying "No pictures can be taken while aboard the aircraft"
Since you must follow her commands under penalty of law, and I am not aware of any such legal prohibition on photo taking, who says she gets to make up her own rules?

JohninMd.(too late?!??) said...

Hickory shampoo = application of Billy club to noggin; repeat as needed....

Tam said...

Divemedic,

"who says she gets to make up her own rules?"

Maybe the people that own the plane made up the rule and asked her to pass along the information?

Tam said...

(A lot of airlines don't mind you taking pictures out the window, but get snippy about photographing the accommodations aboard. Goofy but, hey, their plane, their rules.)

Alien said...

What would it cost to install passenger ejection tubes on random aircraft?

While the first several flights might resemble ARCLight raids, the random chance of being voted off at FL330 might quell some folks' enthusiasm for misbehavior.

Kristophr said...

Alien: That was my thought as well.

Ejection airlocks on planes. A good second solution to assholes with boxcutters, right after passengers armed with Glaser slugged pistols.

global village idiot said...

Not London. Frankfurt.

When you go to heaven, the saying goes, you transfer at Atlanta.

When you go to hell, you transfer in Franfurt. AND you have to clear Customs, just like everyone else.

gvi

(p.s. Tokyo Narita is purgatory)

perlhaqr said...

I'm with Carteach: LAX -> AKL is a 12 hour flight. Just a straight up there and back. Yeesh.

Bob said...

Wow, "hickory shampoo" is a blast from the past. With the widespread adoption of the ASP baton any flagellating about the head and neck has been strictly verboten. The old wooden baton was a better tool (in my opinion) but was darn awkward to carry around. It was at its worst when trying to run with it flopping around and trying to get wedged between your legs to trip you up or raise your voice a few octaves.

Too Soon? said...

The flight crew needs to be a mix of Southwest stews (for the horrible and incessant cornball jokes) and Alaska stews (for their utterly magical ability to know the exact moment you have finally gotten to sleep, before awakening the dead with their VISA affinity card commercial turned up to 11). Also, the little room at the front is to be populated by KAL and Asiana "pilots".

Dan F said...

Asiana? How about Aeroflot?

Bubblehead Les. said...

And people wonder why I have refused to Fly since 2001.

Anonymous said...

The TSA just released her name.

It's Hur Sing Suk

Their intern confirmed it.

Mike_C said...

Depends on the airline. This happened earlier this year.

@TooSoon: I agree about the stupid jokes on Southwest, but it's now optional for the pilot and crew as to whether they do that comedy-for-morons routine. I refused to fly SWA for over 10 years because of how annoying it was (not only teh stoopid, but because it riles up passengers -- you can the background volume go up immediately after the stupid remarks, and then the noise stays up). Then I was re-routed onto an SWA flight (only way to get home in time for work next morning) and lo! the stupid jokes were gone. Now it's less than 25% incidence of dumb jokes on any given SWA flight.

When the FA does make the stupid jokes I make a point of talking with her/him on my way off the plane. (And yes, I step out of aisle while doing it so as not to block other de-planing passengers.) "I just wanted to say thanks for the great service! BUT, there was a major downside and that was the irritating jokes. I understand corporate policy is that it is now optional for you to do those. My strong request is that you NOT tell those old and unfunny jokes in the future." If I get pushback then it's "Okay, here is why. The joking keeps passengers from thinking of flight attendants as professionals, and makes people think of you as mere entertainment. If you want to be taken seriously, then please behave in a dignified manner." Usually it is the older FAs (from the horrible sweater-vest and shorts days of Southwest) who insist on telling the jokes. Often I see a younger FA nodding in agreement while I have the little chat with the would-be-comedian.

All that said, SWA has never given me a problem about photography on the plane. (In fact, no airline has hassled me about photography, but I am discreet about it.)

Will said...

@Bob:

"The old wooden baton was a better tool (in my opinion) but was darn awkward to carry around."

Shoulder rig. Found one in a fun show. Probably for concealed carry, as the harness is natural color, and the holster is black. No maker's markings.

Rick C said...

It's an excellent idea, Tam. Too bad the Constitution forbids cruel and unusual punishment.

OldAFSarge said...

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

And "hickory shampoo" should be part of everyone's lexicon.

And "drive-stunned that woman until she soiled her bloomers", Shakespeare himself could not have said it better!

Divemedic said...

@Tam I know that it is their plane, but what other property owner gets to have people who disobey their commands thrown in Federal prison?

Disobeying an airborne waitress gets you several years in club fed for interfering with a flight crew. Taking pictures in a WalMart against policy gets you at most a misdemeanor for trespassing.

Larry said...

I think the plane would mysteriously disappear somewhere over the Atlantic...